Love Languages & You
Author Gary Chapman, of New York Times best seller, The 5 Love Languages, penned a phenomenal guide to understanding how we express and accept love in relationships. Soulful movie, Brown Sugar, described love as, “The perfect verse over a tight beat.” In our expression with our partner, it is important to recognize how to properly fulfill the love they are wanting and not what we want to give. Gary breaks down the five love languages as such: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. These languages represent what stimulates us to give and receive the best out of our relationships.
When we speak on Words of Affirmation, we are describing a love your partner can hear. Typically this person enjoys hearing words of acknowledgement. Gary Chapman says of this language, “Verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words.” Encouraging words are the phrases that show your partner you are behind them and recognize their accomplishments. Kind words are the sentiments that show your partner that you care about their feelings. Humble words are the connectors to a request or task that allows our partner to feel needed. In this language, our partner’s feelings are a sponge to what you are communicating to them verbally.
The Quality Time our partner is expecting to receive in this language is not alone time. The operative word is “quality.” Gary dissects this language into several meaningful categories. A couple that stuck out for me were Quality Conversation and Focused Attention. In quality conversation, our partner is an active listener and engaged. They are looking for feedback during their discussions. In focused attention, our partner’s expectation level of where you are mentally during an interaction is heightened. This language represents specifics, detailed memories, and a personal story.
One of the easiest languages to misconstrue is Receiving Gifts. In some cases, we have become robotic to giving as a means of apology. Our partners do not want our pity gifts. This language is one Gary describes as an investment. In investing in our relationship, we hold a responsibility to ensure our gifts have value. The value is not always monetary, but value meaning symbolic. Our partner that appreciates this language recognizes the depth of our thoughtfulness and detail of its meaning.
Acts of Service is a language that Gary teeters with being a “lover” or a “doormat.” The difficulty in understanding this language is knowing whether you are providing a service or being used for the service. In this language your partner is thrilled by your caring for what they deem as important. In showing them how much you appreciate their passion for people or an idea, we honor them by performing a gesture that is meaningful. The thin line is only when this gesture becomes repetitive. Nevertheless, for our partner’s satisfaction, we put forth maximum effort to achieve their happiness.
The final and most common love language is Physical Touch. A kiss, holding hands, or even a friendly love tap signals that our partner appreciates our being in the area. Gary challenges our mental by encouraging us to find new ways and places to touch. Physical Touch can also be emotional. Our partner in this aspect is not looking for affection, but compassion. With this being a person’s primary love language, they are less likely to understand the lack of pleasure during the relationship. We are encouraged to engage in random, thoughtless acts of touching like rubbing their hand during conversation or holding them from behind while standing in the kitchen.
In describing these five love languages, we may recognize that multiple languages apply to us. This is natural and should not alarm you. In fact, many times it depends on the day. It is our judgement as to which specific language we adapt to honestly. Although we change day to day, in our truth, we know what we love. We recognize what our partner is not doing to keep our attention and stimulate our relationship. Our internal challenge is to know ourselves and honestly allow our partners to love us properly.
